An Interrupted Ambition

Kapag tinatanong ako noong maliit pa ako kung ano ang gusto ko maging paglaki ko, ang isinasagot ko palagi ay "gusto ko maging teacher." Kung may mga batang natatakot sa mga teachers nila, ako yata yung kabaligtaran. Kahit anong sungit ng ibang mga naging teachers ko, hinahangaan ko pa rin sila. Gustong gusto ko makipaglaro ng titser-titseran. Mahilig din ako magbasa at umalam ng mga bagay-bagay (gaya ng pagsilip ko sa likod ng TV namin para malaman kung saan nanggagaling yung mga taong nakikita ko sa TV screen). Palagi ko rin sinusulatan yung pader namin sa bahay at ginagawa kong chalk board. (Kaya binilhan ako ng magulang ko ng chalk board na may naka pintang alphabets, numbers at orasan na may kamay na naiikot). At kapag sardinas ang ulam namin, tuwang tuwa ako kasi kinukuha ko yung takip ng lata ng sardinas, pinipipi para gawing medal. Mas umigting pa ang pangarap kong maging teacher noong elementary ako. Palagi kong sagot sa tanong sa slum book na "What is your ambition?" ay "To be a teacher". Hinangaan ko rin ang mga naging guro ko noon. Naranasan ko rinng maging student-teacher kapag absent ang teacher namin.

Pero nung nag-aral na ako ng high school, nag-iba ang pananaw ko. Mas naging exposed ako sa iba't ibang propesyon. Mas marami akong nalamang mga kurso na pupwede kunin. Nadiskubre ko rin ang iba't ibang talento at katangian na meron ako. Sa lahat ng subjects ko, Math ang pinka gusto ko at dun ako nageexcel. Nadiskubre ko na may kaunting talento din ako sa pagguhit. Nagbubutingting ako ng kung anu-anong mga gamit. Nahiligan ko ang tumugtog ng mga musical instruments. Naging interes ko ang pag-arte sa entablado. Naibigan ko ang Physics. Nagustuhan ko ang pagsali sa iba't ibang organisasyon. Masyado ako nalibang sa iba't ibang pinagkaabalahan ko. Unti-unti kong nakakalimutan ang hilig ko sa pagtuturo at ng pangarap kong maging guro. Lalo na noong nagsagawa sa school namin ng Career Awareness Seminar. Sabi sa seminar, kung ano ang interes at hilig mo, kaugnay nun dapat ang kukunin mong kurso para maenjoy mo ang college at di mo pagsisihan sa huli. Kaya bago ako magtake ng mga college entrance exams, inassess ko ang sarili ko ano ba ang hilig ko. Mabuti na yung sigurado kesa sa mapilitan at bandang huli, pagsisihan ko. Kailangan maging maingat sa pagpili ng kurso lalo na't gagastusan ako ng magulang ko.

UP, UST, Mapua. Tatlo lang na eskwelahan na kinuhanan ko ng entrance exam. Lahat ng first choice ko ay ECE. Base sa ipinayo sa akin noong Career Awareness Seminar namin, ito daw ang nababagay na kurso sa akin dahil sa mga interes ko (at para hindi na ako sumilip sa likod ng TV para malaman kung papaano nagkakaroon ng tao sa tv screen). Second choice ko sa UP ang Organizational Communication, third choice ang Theater Arts. Sa UST at Mapua naman, second choice ko ang architecture, third choice ang Civil Engineering. Lahat ng pinili ko, base sa mga interes ko. Pero nakalimutan kong piliin ang unang naging ambisyon ko -- ang pagtuturo.

Sa Mapua ko iginugol ang unang kabanata ng buhay kolehiyo ko. Dun daw kasi maganda mag-aral ng engineering. Pride na rin para masabing nag-aaral ako sa pamantasang kilala sa kursong kinuha ko. Gusto rin ng mga magulang ko dahil kaya pa naman nila ako pag-aralin nun. Masaya ako dahil matutupad ang pangarap ko na maging Electronics and Communications Engineer at makapagtrabaho sa isang TV Station. Kahit makita lang yung pangalan ko sa tuwing magsisign on at sign off ang TV, ok lang sa akin yun. Ang mahalaga, nasa TV station ako. Pero dahil sa iba't ibang mga di inaasahan pangyayari, kinakailangan ko mamili. Kailangan ko magtrabaho muna at iwan pansamantala ang pagaaral, o kaya ay pagsabayin ang pagtatrabaho at pag-aaral pero sa ibang eskwelahan.

Dahil sa gusto ko pa rin makapagtapos ng ECE, sinubukan kong pumunta sa UST para magtransfer. Meron daw kasi sila inooffer na student assistance program. Abril na noon. Tapos na ang mga entrance exams. Nagbakasakali na lang ako na baka pupwede pa ako tangapin bilang transferee. Pero sa pagsakay ko ng jeep sa kahabaan ng Espanya, di ko napansin na lumampas na pala ako sa UST. Sumakay ulit ako ng jeep para bumalik, pero lumampas na naman ako at di ko napansin ang UST. Sa di maipaliwanag na dahilan (o baka dahil sa tatanga-tanga lang talaga ako magcommute noon), palagi ako lumalampas at di ko nakikita ang malaking gusali ng UST . Halos nawawalan na ako ng pagasa na makapagaral pa. Sa lungkot ko, pumara nalang ako at bumaba ng jeep. Pagbaba ko, nasa Taft Avenue na pala ako, sa tapat ng PNU, ang pamantasang kilala sa Teacher Education. Nagbakasakali na pupuwede pa makapag-aral kahit ibang kurso na lang, kahit yung nauna kong pangarap na lang. Sakto, ilang araw na lang, schedule na ng entrance exam para sa last batch ng applicants. Kahit papaano, nakaabot pa rin. Awa ng Dios, nakapasa naman.

Hindi ko alam noon kung ano ang plano Niya para sa akin. Gusto kong magtapos ng engineering pero ang pagkakataon ang nagdala sa akin para education ang ituloy kong kurso. Bagama't hindi ko na magagawang matapos pa ang una kong kurso, alam kong Siya ang gumawa ng paraan para maipagpatuloy ako ang nainterrupt kong pangarap. Di ko man lubos na naiintindihan noon, alam kong ipapa unawa din Niya kung ano ang dahilan. At ganun nga ang nangyari sa mga sumunod na panahon. Mayroon talagang dahilan ang bawat pangyayari at bawat bagay.

(to be continued)

An Open Letter for my Nena

Dear Nena,

I just want you to know that we, your friends in faith, are always here for you as long as you need us & God allows us. We are always here to lift you up, to guide you, and to take care of you with God's help. Please bear with me if I sometimes act like a strict mom to you. I (We) just do not tolerate you and your hard head because I (we) love you in its real sense. And please always remember, you are most beautiful than any other girls because you are kind & you have a pure heart. I miss you. I miss my nena. :'(

Ang Nago sa Ilong, Kaning Mainit at Stroller na naging diaper

Pasado alas-9 na ng gabi nung nakasakay ako ng shuttle sa Ayala pauwi sa amin. Medyo masakit na ang paa ko dahil sa maghapong paggawa (at dahil bago ang sapatos ko courtesy ng tatay ko. Tenks dad :D). Badtrip nga lang at hindi van ang natyempuhan kong shuttle kundi isang L300 na FB. Pero keri na rin, ang mahalaga, makauwi agad dahil gusto ko nang magrelax sa sala naming dim ang ilaw, umupo sa sofa, ipatong ang paa at magpatugtog ng CD ng Romance Revisited ni Christian Bautista.

Pagsakay ko sa FB, may nakaupo na sa paborito kong pwesto ng sasakyan, sa pinakadulong upuan sa bandang likod ng driver. Gusto ko umupo dun dahil hindi masyadong tutok sa aircon at maliit na electric fan lang ang katapat. Madali kasi akong ginawin. Kaya nga kahit gusto kong makakita ng snow, di ko pa rin pinangarap na tumira sa bansang sobrang lamig na kulang na lang ay manigas pati mga lamang loob mo sa lamig. Since may nakaupo na sa paborito kong pwesto, dun na lang ako naupo sa bandang gitnang bahagi ng mahabang upuan. Kitang kita ko tuloy ang lahat ng nakaupo sa katapat na upuan.

Habang nasa byahe, di ko na natiis na hindi inumin ang Quickly na binili ko para sana pasalubong sa kapatid ko. Pero sabi ko, baka tulog na yun. Kesa masayang, ako na lang iinom. Habang sinisipsip ko ang taro at nago gamit ang malaking straw na kasing laki ata ng tubo ng oxygen sa ospital, naagaw ang atensyon ko sa dalawang magsyota na nakaupo sa pinaka dulong upuan, bandang likuran ng katabing upuan ng driver. (Kuha niyo? O gusto n'yo idrowing ko pa). Ow Em Ji. Di ko kinaya ang eksena nila, kahit ang Nago na nginunguya ko ay nag-aaklas na muntik pang umeksit sa ilong ko. Paano ba naman, daig pa ang pusang di maihi na naglilingkisan. Si girl, nakasandal ang ulo sa balikat ni boy, kulang na lang magkapalitan sila ng mukha. Tapos sobra pa kung makakapit sa braso ng jowawi nya, kulang na lang eh matanggal ang braso ng lalaki. Si lalaki naman, hawi ng hawi sa buhok at nilalagay sa likod ng tenga ni babae, na di ko alam kung nababakla na ba ito o nainsecure sa shiny, bouncing hair ng GF nya. Kahit madilim sa loob ng FB, kitang kita pa rin ang kanilang paglilingkisan dahil sa mga ilaw sa poste at mga nakakabulag na headlight ng sasakyan sa kahabaan ng EDSA. Kahit na pinagtitinginan na sila ng mga pasahero sa FB, wapakels pa rin ang dalawang love birds na animo'y sila lang ang tao sa mundo. Siguro feeling nila, inggit lang ang mga tao sa kanila. Yung katabi ko nga na binatilyo, nakikipagsenyasan sa katropa niyang nakaupo sa harap niya at sinesenyas yung magsyota, tapos tatawanan nila. Yung ibang babae na pasahero naman, halatang asiwa sa dalawa. Yung mag-asawa naman na pasahero din, dedma lang. Siguro narerealize nila kung gaano sila ka-corny nung magjowa pa lang sila.

Pero sa totoo lang, bakit kailangan pa ipakita sa publiko ng ibang magsyota kung gaano sila ka-sweet. Bakit kailangan pa nilang mag PDA o Public Display of Affection samantalang pupuwede naman na magsuwit-sweet-an sila kung sila na lang. Tutal wala naman pakialam ang ibang tao sa kanila. Hindi naman dahil sa ako ay Bitter Ocampo kung kaya ko nasasabi ito, kundi sadyang nakakasiwa lang. Gusto ko nga makipagpustahan ng walang taya sa mga kasabayan kong pasahero eh. Pusta ko, pagka kinasal na kaya yung dalawa at may mga anak na sila, magagawa pa ba nilang maglampungan pa sa publiko?

May ilan akong nakakausap patungkol sa pananaw nila sa pag-aasawa. Sabi nila, dapat mag-asawa daw ng mga nasa early 20s para kung magkakaanak, hindi malayo ang edad mo sa anak mo. Kaya ba ang nanay ko e bente anyos lang ang tanda sa akin? Sabi naman ng iba, dapat bago ka magtrenta ay magasawa ka na. Kaya ba yung iba eh takot na takot na parang may sasabog na time bomb kapag trenta na sila ay di pa sila nagaasawa? Kaya naman kahit sino na lang ang dumating, keri na yan! At baka mahuli pa daw sa biyahe. Kako, saan naman papunta ang biyahe na iyan. Kung ang destinasyon ng biyahe mo e papunta sa dagat-dagatang apoy, ay di bale na lang. Maghihintay na lang ako ng last trip kung meron pa.

Gaya nga ng kasabihan ng mga matatanda, ang pag-aasawa ay di gaya ng kaning maiinit na pagka isinubo at napaso, pupuwede mo iluwa. Gasgas na kasabihan pero totoo. Walang solian ng asawa. Kahit na madiskubre mong may kurikong pala sa hita si lalaki o kaya ay naghihilik sa gabi si babae. Wala ring solian ng asawa lalu na kung nakatagpo ka ng biyenan na bumubuga ng apoy. Wala ring solian kung madiskubre mong di kayo talo ng misis mo dahil siya pala ay isang produkto ng makabagong siyensa mula sa Thailand.

Sa pag-aasawa kasi, napakarami mong dapat na isaalang-alang. Una, physically, emotionally, psychologically at mentally fit na ba kayo upang lumagay sa magulo, este sa tahimik? Baka naman konting tampuhan lang ninyong mag-asawa eh tatakbo ka sa magulang mo at magsusumbong ka na “Nay, inaway po ako ng asawa ko. Di na natin siya bati!”. Ikalawa, dapat mayroon kayong sariling tahanan. Di pwedeng sama sama sa iisang bubong. Dapat bubukod sa magulang, bagama’t napaka-common na yung nakiki-tira pa rin ang bagong mag-asawa sa magulang pero hindi dapat ganun. Mahirap makipag-agawan ng remote ng TV sa biyenan lalo na kung siya ang may-ari ng bahay. Isa pa, dapat ay may trabaho na sasapat sa pangangailangan ninyong mag-asawa at sa mga iba’t-ibang bayarin. Hindi sapat yung nagmamahalan kayo para kayo ay magsama. Di naman makakabusog ang pagmamahalan. Parang yung baraks ng mga kasamahan ko na mga lalaki sa Cubao. Palibhasa walang makain, nagmamahalan na lang daw sila. Tapos idagdag mo pa, paano kung magkakaanak na kayo? Ano ang ipapakain ninyo sa anak ninyo kung sa inyo nga lang na mag-asawa ay di na sapat ang kinikita ninyo? Di naman pupuwedeng AmBoy ang magiging anak ninyo na walang ibang laman ang tiyan kundi Am.

Kamakailan lang ay nanganak yung dalawang pinsan kong babae (alangan namang yung lalaki, wala naman kaming lahing seahorse). Parehong July pa ipinanganak yung dalawang babies, pareho pang babae. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, mukhang dumadami na kaming magkakauri na July ipinanganak. Anim na kami sa angkan namin na July ipinanganak. At nagkataon lang siguro na pare-pareho din kami ng ugali. Bratinella.

Pangalawang anak na nung mas matanda kong pinsan. At gaya ng ginawa niya sa una niyang anak, nangsosolisit siya ng mga regalo sa mga pinsan, tiyo at tiya. Kala mo ay captain ball ng basketball na nangsosolisit para sa palaro sa baranggay. Sinabihan niya ako na sagot ko na daw ang crib o kaya stroller. Yun ang pinaka mahal sa lahat ng mga nasa listahan niya. Tutal, kaya ko naman daw yun dahil may trabaho naman ako at wala naman daw ako anak. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, kaya nga ako di nag-aanak dahil ayaw ko bumili ng mga ganun no! Pagapangin nya kako sa sahig yung anak nya. Pero dahil sa naalala ko yung paksa tungkol sa mga bata, sabi ko na lang, sige sagot ko na lang diaper.

Ako ang panganay sa aming magkapatid. Pero sa edad kong ito, wala pa talaga ako balak na mag-asawa o magka-jowa man lang. Dahil na rin sa madaming trabaho ang titser kaya wala na talagang oras sa mga ganyan lalo na kung devoted ka sa propesyong ito. Sabi nila, ganun daw talaga ang mga titser. Pagpumasok ka sa propesyong ito, sa malamang ay tatanda kang dalaga, o kaya naman ay kung makakapag-asawa ka eh yung kapwa mo titser, sa kabila ng katotohanang ang ratio ng titser na lalaki sa titser na babae ay 1:20. Ibig sabihin, dalawampu kayong makikipag-agawan sa iisang lalaki, di mo pa alam kung yun ay isang Beki. Kaya sa malamang, yung pagiging matandang dalaga ang magiging tadhana mo. Pero di ako ganap na naniniwala dun. Dahil may mga kakilala akong mga titser na nakapangasawa ng mga foreigner. Yun ay noong nagtrabaho sila bilang DH sa ibang bansa.

Masaya ako sa buhay kong ganito. Mas marami akong nagagawa. Bagama’t nakikita ko sa magulang ko na masaya sila kapag may bata sa bahay, nauunawaan nila ang kalagayan ko. Pero minsan, napag-iisip rin ako, hindi dahil sa may balak ako. Iniisip ko lang ano kaya ang mangyayari kung halimbawang nasa kalagayan ako na may anak na inaalagaan? Makakakain pa kaya ako sa mga restaurant na gusto ko? Mabibili ko pa rin ba kaya lahat ng mga damit at gadget na gusto ko? Makakapunta pa kaya ako sa iba’t-ibang bansa? Magagawa ko pa kaya na gampanan yung lahat ng mga ginagawa ko ngayon? Sa malamang hindi. Pero yung paksa tungkol sa pagmamahal sa mga bata, tumanim sa isip ko yun. At alam ko na hindi naman ang pinatutungkulan lamang nun ay yung anak na galing sa sinapupunan ng isang ina. Naalala ko yung kaibigan ko na gusto daw niya magkaanak para makasunod sa utos na ibigin ang mga bata. Sa loob loob ko, napakaraming bata sa eskwelahan ang uhaw sa edukasyon dahil mismong amg mga magulang nila, di sila kaya turuan. Napakaraming bata ngayon sa bahay ampunan na naghahanap ng pagmamahal. Hindi kinakailangang galing sa sarili mong laman at dugo ang sanggol para makasunod na ibigin ang mga bata. Pupwede kang maging alagad ng edukasyon para magkaroon ng pagkakataong magmahal ng isa hanggang sikwentang bata sa isang classroom ng sabay-sabay. O kaya naman pupwede ka rin naman magbawas ng isa sa populasyon ng mga batang inabandona ng mga walang puso nilang magulang sa bahay-ampunan. Nagagawa ko na yung nauna awa't tulong, gusto ko namang subukan yung pangalawa. Pero yun ay ayon pa rin sa kalooban Niya. Malay ninyo, di ba?

Studies vs Duties

There was a time in my life that I encountered this dilemma. And I knew that whatever my decision would be, iy will determine my future.

It was in the year 2005 when I had to choose between my studies and my vow. I was taking up Education -- the 3rd course that I took up when I was in college. It was also my 7th year in college. Since I had shifted course 3 times already and I was overstaying in our school, I had to graduate by year 2006.

I asked for some advices. Some says that I have to choose my duties. Some says I had to choose my studies. I was confused, but I chose to finish my studies. Not because it's more important than my vow, but because I love my vow more than anything else in this world. Again, I chose to finish my studies and left my vow for a while because I love my duties more.

It was hard for my part seeing my batchmates become regular in their duties. I was a candidate for regular by that time and I admit, there were regrets. But I asked God in my prayers to help me finish my course. I told Him the reason why I had to leave my vow. I promised Him that after I finish college, I will return to the ministry and use the knowledge that I learned in college to help my leaders and the ministry.

God granted my prayers. He let me finish my studies. So in return, I have to fulfill my promise to Him. After I passed the board, I returned to the ministry. And it didn't take long, I was given "special" assignments that I never realized that will come to my life.

Of course, not all can have this kind of fate. Not all of us have the same destiny. I strongly believe that vows and duties are more important than anything else. But God has plans for each of us. We may have different roads to walk through, but for me, I think, this is the road that He wants me to take.

I admit, I had lots of shortcomings and wrongdoings, but I obtained mercy from God. Special tasks keep on coming from the time I fulfilled my promise to Him, up to the present.

With all these blessings, I thank God because I really witness how He helps me to keep my promise. All the tasks He is giving me requires my present profession -- the course that I chose to finish. All my dreams which I was very eager to pursue but seemed to be impossible are now coming into reality through our leaders. I just pray to God for His guidance because I admit, I can't do these things alone. But again, no words can express the gratitude that I am feeling right now. All I can say is THANKS BE TO GOD FOR HIS UNSPEAKABLE GIFT.

(Me and my Younger Sister during OUR graduation. FYI, I am 3 years older than her :D )

Dinner Dilemma

Last Monday, my dear Nena Ellay, some friends, and I were supposed to go on a dinner at Pan Pacific Hotel. She made a reservation and invited us to celebrate one of our friend's birthday. But unfortunately, the birthday celebrant turned down the invitation, for a very simple reason that he will just go if I will not go. (Hmp! @#$!!) But actually, his reason was he has a lot of things to do. Then, our other friends were also too busy with everything. So it was just Ellay and I who were supposed to go.

Ok, everything was set for our dinner. I just have to attend my student for a tutor for 4 hours from 1pm so that I will be able to make it at 5:30pm at the hotel. But unexpectedly, I got a message that my schedule of tutor will be moved to 7pm since my student hasn't arrived yet, which is conflicting to our supposed dinner. I wanted to go to our dinner but I cannot cancel the tutor because my student has to go to school the following day. I didn't have any choice but to tell Ellay that I can't come. I just asked her if she could just invite her uncle so that the reservation she made will not be useless. In that manner, she can also make up with her short comings to her uncle and her family.

I felt in her voice that she was disappointed with my news. She told me that she'll try to invite her family.

After a while, I got a message from my student's mom, saying that if I could just come by 9pm. Good! I still have time for our dinner. I called up Ellay again to say that I can go with her that night but this time, she was the one who turned me down. Instead, her nanay Adela (grandmother), tatay (grandfather) and uncle will avail the dinner reservation.

I didn't feel sorry when our supposed to be dinner was cancelled. I know that there is a reason why did our plans didn't push through. For my side, I was able to teach my student. Imparting knowledge to a student is far more important than eating in a five star restaurant. I was also able to get to know more about the mom of my student, whom I really look up in all aspects.

For Ellay's side, though she made the reservation, I know that was not meant to spend it with her friends. Because, you see, most of the time we are together - we spend time together, we work together, we eat together, etc. where in sometimes, we already unconsciously get some of her time which were already intended for her loved ones.

I know Ellay would like to spend that evening with her friends. But the reservation was not really meant for us. It was meant for her family, for her to spend her most precious time with them, especially with her Nanay.

Learn a Little Mathematics

I am a teacher. Aside from News Writing, I also teach Mathematics since this was my concentration. I love counting. I love problem solving and I feel successful if I was able to solve different Math problems. Though Math is one of the most hated subject by most of the students, I am proud to say that I was not one of them and I really love Math.

But Math is not just simply like solving word problem, finding the value of x, etc. When we talk about faith, we also use mathematics. Huh? Is our soul's salvation uses Math? Yes. We have to learn a little Mathematics so that we will not be deceived. And that is what I learned when I read this post: Learn a Little Mathematics

Lonely but not Alone

It has been a week since I last talked to Jie. We were supposed to see each other last Sunday but she didn't show up. I only had an idea on how was she doing through quotes and videos she posted in her Facebook that described how happy she was during that entire week. I texted her and posted messages to her wall but I received no reply. It was unusual. I know my friend. There might be a problem. And what she posted in her FB might be the exact opposite of what she really feels.

It was already 3am and I was still in front of my laptop. I cant sleep and my mind was still too active. Maybe because I had a heavy dinner -- Two cups of rice and Sinigang na Baboy with plenty of taba that melts in your mouth as my viand. I didn't want to sleeping right away since I ate too much and afraid of getting bangungot. So while waiting for the food to digest in my stomach, I just watched archive videos of a documentary program in the internet and updated my status message in Facebook.

As i checked on my facebook, I saw that the last message posted by Jie was just a few seconds ago. So I assumed that she was also online in YM during this wee hours of the morning. I buzzed her even she seemed to be offline. Though in invisible mode, she replied to me and we started chatting.

She confessed that she was in deep depression the past few days. She said she didn't want to continue anymore. Losing hope, colding faith, and even suicidal attempts kept on bothering her thoughts. "What happened? I just saw your posts and you were very happy", I told her. She said that she was just trying to make her self happy. Like a clown, she wanted to cover her wounded heart with a fake smile. Happy and fighting as people can see her, but in reality, she wanted to give up the hope she has attained. She felt that nobody loves her. She felt like her life is meaningless. She is already in her late 20s and she feels like her time bomb will explode when she reaches 30 without serious boyfriend. She also feels that she is not improving, but instead, she feels she is getting worst.

As our conversation gets deeper, my suspicion was that her ex-boyfriend caused her depression. Her ex-boyfriend was a colleage in the school organization which we all belong. Before, Jie and I were just acquaintance. I just knew Jie simply as his girlfriend. But when they broke up couple of years ago, Jie was really down and needed someone to talk to. Then, we just found ourselves exchanging stories and sentiments. Maybe a sort of anaesthesia or tranquilizer, inspite of bleeding heart and weeping eyes, we love hanging out together, cracking the corniest jokes and laughing as if there will be no tomorrow. Ironic but their broke up was the start of our beautiful friendship.

Jie was the one who introduced me to blogging. She is fond of posting anything on her blogsite. Through her online diary, I was able to understand the melancholy she was and is still going through, especially the agony she has been experiencing with her ex even after they broke up.

Some of our friends thought that she was just being melodramatic about all these things. But I could feel that her problems are very serious that she thought it would be better to end her life than continue trying to resolve them.

When she enumerated the reasons why she felt like giving up, I didn't ask any more questions. I didn't want her to recall whatever happened to her and her ex. I believe that when she gotten over him, she would be able to tell me everything that caused her so much pain. I just let her realize that she was wrong when she thought that nobody loves her, she's worthless, and she's bad turned worse becoming worst. I told her that there are more people who have worst problem compared to her. It is not worthy to lose her life because of her problems. And the solution to our problem is not very distant -- it is just as near as our knees to the floor when we kneel down and pray.

Few months ago, I talked to Jie because I was feeling depressed over the fact that I always fall short in my work, no matter how hard I try to improve. Then also, not to mention my sentiments about feeling alone and unnoticed by someone. I asked her "what's wrong with me? Why do I always fall short no matter how hard I try to make everything ok? And tell me, am I that unpretty?". Then she told me, "relaks lang, pray lang tayo. Isipin mo na lang andiyan lang si ano para sa iyo.Tsaka ano ka ba, nasa sa iyo na ang lahat ng katangian, wala ka nang hihilingin pa maliban sa liposuction. De, joke lang. Pinapatawa lang kita.."

Now, I want to give it back to her. Relaks ka lang. Pray lang tayo. Kapit lang, wag kang bibitaw. Bring back that smile on your face. Why do we have to think of the things that sadden us if there are more things that cheer us up? You may lose a stone, but there are golds and diamonds around you. You will not get harmed anymore if you will not let others to hurt you again. You have friends who will always be here to protect you with God's help and mercy. Most of all, there is God who lets us stand when we feel like giving up. We may sometimes be lonely, but we will never be alone.

*jie is not her nick name, neither part of her real name.

losing friends

It's almost 3am but I am still awake. I just chatted to a "close friend" whom I didn't hear for couple of days. And I am really worried about what happened to her.

As I expected, she is having her sentiments. I am not surprised. I am already used to it :D. Ever since I met her, she was already like that. If my memory serves me right, we started became friends when she arrived from other country and had a problem with our common friend who happens to be... hmm.. very close to her. Since the first time I met her, she was already emotional, maybe because of the things she had been through, and still going through.

I had close friends before she came. They also had their own problems. Though I have my own personal problem, I have to set it aside first just to console my problematic friends. But sad to say, I lost most of them. Some flew to other land, which is better for them. But some were gone, though I have an idea where are they and what are they doing, they are gone, and so are their faith.

As I listen (or "as i read") her sentiments of being emotional, I can say that she is not that worthless as she thinks of her self. And I believe that she is more blessed than me. In all aspects, from financial stability to physical appearance, she is far ahead of me.

I understand her situation and in all the things she is going through right now. I know. Not only because I have encountered people with similar cases to her, but because I have been through that situation too - feeling down and weary. It's hard, I know. I cannot even help myself, nor my parents can help me. But because there is Someone powerful up there who can let a man stand even if he already fell down.

Because my close friend is downcast, I have to talk to her, cheer her up, give her advice. I have to do something with God's help for her to overcome her sentiments. No, I don't have any regrets. Nor I don't blame her for making me awake until these wee hours in the morning. I love what I am doing. And I have to do this. Not because it's my obligation, but because I don't want to lose another close friend. And I pray to God for her to be fine.

The sweet tweet :)

Masarap itweet si Bro Eli, kasi parang ang lapit-lapit mo lang sa kaniya. Pero mas masarap ang feeling pag nagrereply siya sa tweet mo. :)

Pero mas masarap sa pakiramdam kapag nire-tweet niya yung tweet mo! Panalo!

On Solitude*

Sometimes, we people become lonelier because we believe that being "not" lonely is to be surrounded by other people, with music blaring in the background. We go through life jumping from one relationship to another-- searching for the one that might make us "complete" -- not knowing that it's our own relationship with our own selves and with GOD that can make us whole.

*for those who feel alone and unloved :)

An excerpt from "On Solitude" . Some words were added to make it more true and acceptable.

Loving History

“History is a set of lies agreed upon.” - Napoleon Bonaparte

Pagka tinanong ako kung ano ang pinaka ayaw kong subject, ang agad kong sinasagot ay HISTORY. Hindi kagaya ng iba na Math ang madalas na sinasagot, History talaga ang pinaka ayoko (at Math naman ang pinaka gusto). Hindi ko talaga siya naappreciate mula bata pa hanggang college. Siguro dahil hindi magaling ag teacher ko nung elementary (yoboooong nomooon!). Eh paano ba naman, wala talaga ako natutunan sa klase niya. Kasi ang palagi naming ginagawa sa klase ay kumanta ng mga kanta sa "El Shaddai". Promise. Minsan nga, akala ko Christian Living ang klase namin, Pero hindi. History pala. Kaya siguro kahit tumuntong na ako ng high school at college, hindi ko pa rin talaga naappreciate ang kahit anong subject na related sa history o social science. In fact, consistent na yun ang may lowest grade ako.

Kaya nung grumaduate ako ng college, pakiramdam ko nakalaya ako. Kasi wala nang history pa akong dapat na pag-aralan. At kahit nagtuturo na ako, pinangunahan ko na ang mga co-teachers ko na huwag na huwag ako bibigyan ng load na History, kung ayaw nila magulo ang kasaysayan ng Pilipinas.

Pero akala ko makakatakas na ako sa bangungot ng nakaraan...

Bukod sa pagiging college instructor ngayon, nagtututor din ako sa anak ng COO ng isang TV Station. (You've read it right. COO ng isang TV Station :D ). Naka-enrol kasi sa home study program yung anak niya. So it means, walang regular na klaseng inaattenan. Everything is modular. Kaya kinakailangan ng magtu-tutor dun sa bata.

Hindi naman sa pagmamayabang pero hindi naman masyado mahirap ang magtutor lalu na kung sa kagaya kong teacher talaga. Yun nga lang, eto ang challenge: (a) high school na yung bata; (b) may pagka hyperactive at madaling madefocus; (c) kasama ang History sa ituturo ko!

Oh my.. hindi ko talaga alam kung papaanong teaching strategy ang gagawin ko para maituro ko sa kanya effectively ang Philippine History, lalu na sa kagaya niya na hyperactive at madaling madefocus, at sa kagaya kong iskul bukol sa subject na yun! Isa pa sa nakaka pressure ay abogado yung nanay niya! Kaya nakakahiya talaga kung mali maling accounts sa history ang ituturo ko lalu na't nagtatanong yung bata sa nanay niya. Hayy gulay. Pero ang kagandahan lang sa kanya eh madali siya makaintindi sa ibang subjects like Math, Science, etc. Madali lang naman niya maunawaan yung History, pero hindi yung memorizing the exact names and details na napaka importante sa History.

So what I did is nagsearch ako sa internet how to teach History effectively. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways:

http://www.ehow.com/way_5525716_effective-history-teaching-methods.html

1. Make a Connection to Today

Kailangan daw, ipakita yung connection ng History sa present situations and events. Iencourage sila na gawing alive yung history. For example, ano yung ipinagdiwang last sunday (June 12), sino ang nanay at tatay ni noynoy at kris aquino, anong region sakop ang probinsya nila, etc. Isama mo pa na pag-usapan yung buhay ng mga heroes as if pinagchichismisan n'yo lang yung kapit-bahay ninyo. And it was effective!

2. Use Music, Film, and Technology

May laptop yung estudyante ko na wala siyang ibang pinaggagamitan kundi panuoran ng My Little Pony sa You Tube. (Oh, didn't I mention? My student is a boy.) Kaya naisip ko, bakit hindi ko gamitan ng power point presentation kahit na mag-isa lang siya na estudyante ko? Sakto naman at may prepared ppt yung isang co-instructor ko na ginamit niya sa History Class niya. At nakikita pa niya ang pictures ni Emilio Aguinaldo, William Howard Taft and other characters sa History. Aside from powerpoint, alam niyo ba na pati kanta ni Yoyoy Villamin ay ginamit namin for history? (♫ On March 16, 1521, when Philippines was discovered by Magellan...♫ )

3. Making Lesson Interactive

Aside from question and answer, I also provide reviewer sa estudyante ko. Minsan, may color coding at ginagawa kong makulay. Para hindi lang yung cue words ang matandaan niya kundi para makatulong yung color coding sa pagmememorize niya. I was the one who writes the important details sa isang sheet of paper. Para imbes na yung buong module niya yung nirereview niya, yung reviewer na lang. Pero niremind ko siya na huwag na huwag niyang gagamitin yung reviewer niya kapag nagtetake na siya ng exam. :D

Sa pamamagitan ng mga stategies na ito, nakita ko na effective ito sa estudyante ko. Huwag lang uulitin yung strategy na ginawa na last time, para hindi rin nakaka boring sa bata. Kaya hindi lang tuloy yung estudyante ko yung nakakaintindi ng history kundi pati ako rin. Feeling ko nagaaral ulit ako, parang elementary lang. I admit, I used to hate history. But I'm starting to love it :)

Unexpected Independents Day Celebration

Pangalawang araw ng klase pero as usual, bising bisi na naman ako. Mula morning hanggang afternoon ay nagaasikaso ako ng enrolment ko for Masteral na may part 2 pa bukas (at feeling ko eh may part 3 pa sa susunod na araw).

Habang nagpapaenrol ako ay katext ko ang "malapit kong kaibigan" na si Ellay mula morning kasi nasa lokal siya para umattend ng special viewing sa lokal kung saan ako destino. After daw niya kasi magviewing ay dadaan siya sa work niya sa hotel sa Malate. Sakto naman na kating-kati ang paa kong gumala at pumunta ng Robinsons Ermita. Kaya napagkasunduan namin na magkita sa Rob ng mga hapon after ng work ko. Buti pa talaga ang biglaang lakad, natutuloy. Yung planado, hinde.

Tinanong ako ni Ellay bakit daw ba gustong gusto ko magmall ngayon. Well, actually, kaya ko gusto magmall ngayon ay dahil:

1. feeling ko wala na akong time sa mga susunod na araw para mag-mall dahil magiging super busy na ako

2. gusto kong mag"celebrate" ng "independents" day (mabuhay ang mga single ladies! :D )

3. di ako maka-get-over sa kahihiyan na ginawa ng baklita kong friend! kaines! garr.

Pero ang pinaka reason ko talaga bakit ko gusto magmall ay yung number 3. Pagka ganun kasi na feeling ko napapahiya ako, gusto ko idivert yung isip ko sa ibang bagay. Nahihiya ako pag nagkakamali ako, o kaya naman kapag feeling ko eh napahiya ako, na kulang na lang eh magkulong ako sa kwarto at ayokong makakita ng tao. At pagka ganung inaatake ako ng pagka-bipolar ko, imbes na magmukmok ako sa isang sulok, ang gusto ko lang gawin ay mag Eat, Drink, and Shop! (Drink refers to drinking coffee po =) )

Buti na lang at naka-leave pa rin si Nena Ellay kaya naidamay ko pa siya sa aking stress-relieving activity for today. At higit sa lahat, buti na lang ay mga independents kami, meaning, walang sabit. hehe. Here are some pictures of our biglaang gala for today.

1. EAT

I ordered Angus Beef with Mashed Potato and Veggies. (takaw!)

Ellay ordered Alfredo's Pasta with light sandwich and salad.

Bon appetit!

2. DRINK

After we ate our not-so-heavy dinner, we went to The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf to drink some coffee.

3. SHOP

I am supposed to buy a blouse and hair pony but we didn't have much time because it was already 9pm. I just purchased this book at Powerbooks which is, according to Ellay, a good book to read. It is a compilation of articles written by young people and published in Philippine Daily Inquirer.

Ooops.. By the way, we also went to Mac Center to test and experience IPad2 :)