It has been a week since I last talked to Jie. We were supposed to see each other last Sunday but she didn't show up. I only had an idea on how was she doing through quotes and videos she posted in her Facebook that described how happy she was during that entire week. I texted her and posted messages to her wall but I received no reply. It was unusual. I know my friend. There might be a problem. And what she posted in her FB might be the exact opposite of what she really feels.
It was already 3am and I was still in front of my laptop. I cant sleep and my mind was still too active. Maybe because I had a heavy dinner -- Two cups of rice and Sinigang na Baboy with plenty of taba that melts in your mouth as my viand. I didn't want to sleeping right away since I ate too much and afraid of getting bangungot. So while waiting for the food to digest in my stomach, I just watched archive videos of a documentary program in the internet and updated my status message in Facebook.
As i checked on my facebook, I saw that the last message posted by Jie was just a few seconds ago. So I assumed that she was also online in YM during this wee hours of the morning. I buzzed her even she seemed to be offline. Though in invisible mode, she replied to me and we started chatting.
She confessed that she was in deep depression the past few days. She said she didn't want to continue anymore. Losing hope, colding faith, and even suicidal attempts kept on bothering her thoughts. "What happened? I just saw your posts and you were very happy", I told her. She said that she was just trying to make her self happy. Like a clown, she wanted to cover her wounded heart with a fake smile. Happy and fighting as people can see her, but in reality, she wanted to give up the hope she has attained. She felt that nobody loves her. She felt like her life is meaningless. She is already in her late 20s and she feels like her time bomb will explode when she reaches 30 without serious boyfriend. She also feels that she is not improving, but instead, she feels she is getting worst.
As our conversation gets deeper, my suspicion was that her ex-boyfriend caused her depression. Her ex-boyfriend was a colleage in the school organization which we all belong. Before, Jie and I were just acquaintance. I just knew Jie simply as his girlfriend. But when they broke up couple of years ago, Jie was really down and needed someone to talk to. Then, we just found ourselves exchanging stories and sentiments. Maybe a sort of anaesthesia or tranquilizer, inspite of bleeding heart and weeping eyes, we love hanging out together, cracking the corniest jokes and laughing as if there will be no tomorrow. Ironic but their broke up was the start of our beautiful friendship.
Jie was the one who introduced me to blogging. She is fond of posting anything on her blogsite. Through her online diary, I was able to understand the melancholy she was and is still going through, especially the agony she has been experiencing with her ex even after they broke up.
Some of our friends thought that she was just being melodramatic about all these things. But I could feel that her problems are very serious that she thought it would be better to end her life than continue trying to resolve them.
When she enumerated the reasons why she felt like giving up, I didn't ask any more questions. I didn't want her to recall whatever happened to her and her ex. I believe that when she gotten over him, she would be able to tell me everything that caused her so much pain. I just let her realize that she was wrong when she thought that nobody loves her, she's worthless, and she's bad turned worse becoming worst. I told her that there are more people who have worst problem compared to her. It is not worthy to lose her life because of her problems. And the solution to our problem is not very distant -- it is just as near as our knees to the floor when we kneel down and pray.
Few months ago, I talked to Jie because I was feeling depressed over the fact that I always fall short in my work, no matter how hard I try to improve. Then also, not to mention my sentiments about feeling alone and unnoticed by someone. I asked her "what's wrong with me? Why do I always fall short no matter how hard I try to make everything ok? And tell me, am I that unpretty?". Then she told me, "relaks lang, pray lang tayo. Isipin mo na lang andiyan lang si ano para sa iyo.Tsaka ano ka ba, nasa sa iyo na ang lahat ng katangian, wala ka nang hihilingin pa maliban sa liposuction. De, joke lang. Pinapatawa lang kita.."
Now, I want to give it back to her. Relaks ka lang. Pray lang tayo. Kapit lang, wag kang bibitaw. Bring back that smile on your face. Why do we have to think of the things that sadden us if there are more things that cheer us up? You may lose a stone, but there are golds and diamonds around you. You will not get harmed anymore if you will not let others to hurt you again. You have friends who will always be here to protect you with God's help and mercy. Most of all, there is God who lets us stand when we feel like giving up. We may sometimes be lonely, but we will never be alone.
*jie is not her nick name, neither part of her real name.
No comments:
Post a Comment